OMG: How to make a Fox news anchor do a double take

That’s it. I’m done sit­ting around. I can­not believe what I just read. Yes­ter­day, on the Fox News Chan­nel, Den­nis Hastert (R-IL), who is the freak­ing Speak­er of the House of Rep­re­sen­ta­tives, said this to Chris Wal­lace, the host.

HASTERT: Here in this cam­paign, quote, unquote, “reform,” you take par­ty pow­er away from the par­ty, you take the philo­soph­i­cal ideas away from the par­ty, and give them to these inde­pen­dent groups. You know, I don’t know where George Soros gets his mon­ey. I don’t know where … if it comes over­seas or from drug groups or where it comes from. And I… WALLACE: Excuse me? HASTERT: Well, that’s what he’s been for a num­ber years … George Soros has been for legal­iz­ing drugs in this coun­try. So, I mean, he’s got a lot of ancil­lary inter­ests out there. WALLACE: You think he may be get­ting mon­ey from the drug car­tel? HASTERT: I’m say­ing I don’t know where groups … could be peo­ple who sup­port this type of thing. I’m say­ing we don’t know. The fact is we don’t know where this mon­ey comes from.

Oh my God. Is this what it has come down to? What if I said of the saint­ed George W. Bush, “Well, I don’t know what he does in the Lin­coln Bed­room, but he might be killing kit­tens. I mean, what I’m say­ing is I don’t know. He might be smok­ing Cuban cig­ars. The fact is, I don’t know what he does in there. But you can’t avoid the fact that he might be wor­ship­ping Satan.”

Ahh­hh! I hate the con­ser­v­a­tives sooooo much!

Ghaa.

See: Tran­script of Hastert inter­view on Fox News Sun­day

I takes lots of pictures

I was perus­ing iPho­to today, and noticed that I have 2048 pic­tures in the data­base. The num­bered title of my lat­est pic­ture is IMG2652.jpg. Now, Canon cam­eras (and oth­ers, prob­a­bly) main­tain the pic­ture num­ber­ing even when you switch cards or change bat­ter­ies and what­not.

This implies that i have tak­en two-thou­sand, six-hun­dred pic­tures. Which seems like a lot, even for me. This is born out, how­ev­er, by the two-thou­sand pic­tures I can actu­al­ly see.

Any way you cut it, that seems like a lot.

Vending machine mojo [updated]

I just went to get a drink from one of the vend­ing machines here in the library. My tithe, a whole dol­lar, con­sist­ed of three quar­ters, a dime, and three nick­els. I drop in my mon­ey, I stoop down to make my selec­tion, and hor­rors, my Trop­i­cana pink lemon­ade but­ton has been replaced by some cola crap!

Refus­ing to pan­ic, I look to the vend­ing machine imme­di­ate­ly to my right, and lo, there is a whole machine ded­i­cat­ed to water and “juices.” (My Trop­i­cana pink lemon­ade con­tains 3% juice.)

So I hit the coin return but­ton. And I get a dol­lar in quar­ters. Huh.

I move right, and put my new quar­ters into the sec­ond machine, punch up my drink, and tha-bump-bump, I get a love­ly floures­cent-pink Trop­i­cana pink lemon­ade, AND a 20 oz. Aqua­fi­na bot­tled water!

Whoa.

I’d like to try it again, but I’m out of nick­els.

Update three days lat­er: I tried again, with the exact same change, the exact same process (yes, I even put it in the wrong machine and got my four quar­ters in return) but no dice. I only got one drink.

Unplug. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Haven’t seen many posts late­ly? That’s because a week and a half ago, I came home to dis­cov­er my cable modem blink­ing dis­con­so­late­ly. I called my cable provider, Cox (please keep all puns to your­self, not that they don’t deserve them, pin­heads). They walked me through the unplug-plug-reboot-tight­en-lath­er-rinse rou­tine, and told me the coax split­ter I was using (the one labeled “Cox”) was bad. I should replace it.

So I went on vaca­tion.

When we got back, I bought a new split­ter. (Actu­al­ly, I got one free from our local, and awe­some, home stereo spe­cial­ist store.) I tried it. No dice.

So I called Cox back. Lath­er, rinse, repeat.

Yeah sir, your cable sig­nal is real­ly low.”

Oh? It’s been fine for the last eleven months.”

Yeah.”

Okay.”

Yeah. So. Like, I can have a tech come out to see what he can do?”

Inter­lude dur­ing which the Cox rep tries very hard to sell me the $3.95-monthly-service cov­er­ing “con­nec­tion prob­lems inside your home.” Which I think means, “if you crammed your coax cable into your S-Video out­let, we’ll plug it into the right place for you.” We turned down their offer.

Okay, so when can you send a guy out?”

Oh, well, how about Mon­day? We have a slot from 9:00 am to 11:00 am?”

No, I’m sor­ry, your wild­ly incon­ve­nient time a week from now won’t work for my sched­ule. You see, I have a day job, in order to pay my month­ly hun­dred-dol­lar Cox bill.”

Oh. Yeah. Well, we have a slot from 5 to 7 on Tues­day.”

Um.” “Sure, I’ll leave work ear­ly to be home at 5 so your guy can show up at 7:15. Sounds great.”

So, then, I went out to Best Buy and bought some very expen­sive (and very high qual­i­ty, the pack­age assures me) coax cables. I plug every­thing in, and voila! A sig­nal! Which then dies. Then comes back! Then flut­ters and dies again.

So, final­ly, I unplug the cable modem and plug it in some­where else in the house, where I don’t need a split­ter (I had all my elec­tron­ics in one big pow­er and video and speak­er wire orgy out of sight behind the enter­tain­ment cen­ter).

And now it works. So I’m back.